One and Only
by Baylor
Summary: In which Merry discovers, and keeps, many secrets. Pre-LOTR. Rated PG for discussion of homosexuality. December 19, 2003: Additional material posted.
1. Default Chapter

Title: One and Only (1/1)  
Author: Baylor  
E-mail: baylorsr@yahoo.com  
Rating: PG  
Characters: Merry, Frodo  
Category(s): General.   
Archiving: Anywhere, just let me know  
Summary: In which Merry discovers, and keeps, many secrets. Pre-LOTR.  
Disclaimer: J.R.R. Tolkien owns them. I just borrowed them, and I promise to put them back.  
Note: Marigold did her usual, wonderful beta job, and also spent as much time as it took talking this one through with me until it felt right. My thanks, as always.  


  
**One and Only  
**_In which Merry discovers, and keeps, many secrets  
_

  
_(Rated PG for discussion of homosexuality. It is early 1397 SR, so Merry is 14, Frodo is 28, Pearl is 21, and Pippin is 6. Reg is Reginard Took from the family trees; he is 27. Frodo has lived with Bilbo for seven years, but it is still five years before Bilbo will leave the Shire.)   
  
_This entire year, Merry felt, had been one of secrets. Not that he had any secrets, but it suddenly seemed that everyone around him did, and he was either old enough that the adults were finally letting him in on things, or he was old enough that he was finally figuring things out.  
  
The first secret had been that Old Rory, Merry's grandfather, despised his younger brothers, Dodinas and Dinodas, and intended to make certain that upon his death neither sibling would have access to a single gold piece from Rory's pockets. Instead, Saradoc would receive their inheritance in trust, to be used exclusively for their expenses. _Legitimate_ expenses, Old Rory had said to Merry's parents while they all dined together, and Da and Mum had nodded knowingly.  
  
In response to Merry's questions, Mum had said that Donnie and Dinnie had an overfondness for games of chance, and would even go so far as Bree to find a good one. This had led to them losing great sums of money in their youth (the second secret of the year), and upon his death their father, Merry's Great-Granda Gorbadoc, had left Rory in charge of their expenses, just as Rory intended to leave Saradoc responsible for them. Donnie and Dinnie, however, were living under the impression that when Rory finally expired they would be free hobbits, and were due for a dreadful shock when the day came around.  
  
The third secret had not really been a secret, but had felt like one because Merry had not really understood anything about it, and he thought someone ought to have explained to him before he was all of 14 years old. He had been looking in a trunk in the family storage room for the hat he had worn last winter when he had come across a box of tiny dresses and hair ribbons.   
  
They had been his sisters', Merry was certain as he pulled them out one by one to examine them, and he suddenly realized that these had been real little lasses, not just names or distant relatives that he had never known, and that if they were alive, they would be his older sisters. This was something he felt he should have understood, but had never really realized before, and it made him overwhelmingly sad.   
  
His da found him sitting on the floor of the storage room, tiny embroidered skirts and smocks and dresses surrounding him. Saradoc had sat down on the floor with him and said, What do you want to know, Merry-lad?  
  
Merry said truthfully, so Saradoc told him all about each lass -- what she looked like, and what she liked to eat, and which were her favorite stories, and what her favorite games were. Then Merry had cried, and Saradoc had cried, and then Merry had said, I'm sorry, Da. I never thought about them like this before.  
  
Saradoc had dried Merry's tears with his shirt sleeve, then said, I didn't want you to, not until you were ready. Now let's put these away before your mother sees them out.  
  
The fourth secret was quite a nice one, for Merry had caught Pearl kissing Falco Brownlock in the secondary pantry at the Great Smials. Later that day, Pearl had begged Merry not to tell anyone, as she was still only 21 and much too young to be courting. But he is my one and only, Merry, she had confided. You'll dance with me at our wedding someday. (Merry did not know it yet, but 12 years later, Pearl's prediction would come true, and as he danced proudly with the beautiful bride, Pearl would whisper in his ear, Thank you, Merry, for keeping my secret.)  
  
The fifth secret he was uncertain of, as he had overheard it from gossiping great-aunts and cousins, and had not worked up the courage to ask anyone if it were true. And the sixth secret was the one he had discovered just last night, but he could not make heads or tails of it. He worried the matter in his head all morning before, fed up with secrets, he decided to hunt down the secret-holder and ask him to have out with it.  
  
Merry was at the Smials, as he had been since Yule, keeping Pippin amused. Pip had been sick again this winter, and was desperate for Merry's companionship. Merry, in turn, had begun pining for some more active entertainment after awhile, and so Frodo had come down from Bag End to stay with both his lads through the long winter months.  
  
Once Pippin was down for his afternoon rest, tucked into bed and under Briony's watchful eye, Merry went in search of Frodo. He found him in his room at the small writing desk, busily penning a letter. Taking a deep breath, Merry planted himself beside the desk and crossed his arms in front of his chest.  
  
Yes, Merry? Frodo asked, with a touch of condescending amusement in his voice. He did not look up from his letter.  
  
I saw you and Reg in here last night, Merry stated baldly, and Frodo dropped his quill. He looked at Merry in astonishment, then quietly said, Shut the door, Merry.  
  
I want to know what it means, Merry said stubbornly.  
  
Then shut the door, Frodo said again, seriously. Merry shut the door and turned back to Frodo. Come sit down, Frodo said, pointing to the edge of the bed. He turned his chair to look Merry face-on once the younger hobbit was seated.  
  
What do you mean, you saw Reg and I in here last night? Frodo began cautiously.  
  
I came to find you and the door wasn't latched so I started to open it, and I saw you and Reg in here hugging, and you were crying and then Reg kissed your hair and then he kissed you on the lips, Merry said in a big rush. And I don't understand because Reg is to marry Primrose Bracegirdle in a few years and you're both too old to kiss lad cousins on the lips and I don't know why you cried but if it's Reg's fault I will hit him for you.  
  
Frodo frowned. Merry, I know your father talked to you about trying to solve problems by hitting this past summer, he said, and I would be very upset if you ever hit anyone because of me.  
  
Merry flushed. All right, he said. I won't. But I still don't understand what's happening and why you have secrets from me, Frodo.  
  
Frodo cleared his throat and leaned forward to put his elbows on his knees. He looked at his clasped hands for a long while, silent.   
  
he finally said, you know that most lads grow up to fancy lasses, and fall in love with them, and get married and have babies.  
  
Reg is not a lass, Merry said. He did not need a talk about where babies came from. He'd had that with his da, and from what Saradoc had said, there was no way two lads could make a baby.  
  
No, he is not, Frodo said, and his lips twitched into a slight, sad smile. But not all hobbits grow up to fancy lasses. Some lads grow up to fancy other lads, in the way most hobbits fancy lasses, and they fall in love with them just as another hobbit-lad might fall in love with a lass.   
  
Merry considered this. But I've never heard of two lads getting married, Frodo, and they can't have babies, he finally said, logically.  
  
No. They can't do either of those things, Frodo said. And many hobbits, Merry, feel it isn't proper for two lads to fall in love, and to show that love by kissing one another as you saw Reg kissing me.  
  
Merry turned this over in his head. he said slowly, are you in love with Reg? The way a hobbit would be in love with a lass he wants to marry?  
  
Yes, Merry, I am, Frodo said quietly, and his voice quivered a little.  
  
But Reg is going to marry Primrose, Merry said. So he's not in love with you, right?  
  
Frodo swallowed, and the knuckles on his clasped hands grew white. No, Merry, Reg is in love with me, too. But his parents want him to marry Primrose, and she is a good lass. So that is what Reg is going to do. Not everyone gets to marry the person they fall in love with, you know. But Reg will be a good husband to Primrose, and will try to make her happy, and will take good care of her and any children they might have.  
  
Merry was very still and quiet as he contemplated these new ideas. He knew that just because two hobbits got married didn't mean they were in love with each other. He knew that sometimes, a lad or lass' parents would choose someone for them to marry. But it seemed an awful thing to marry one hobbit when you were in love with another.  
  
That isn't very fair to Primrose, still, is it? he asked Frodo.  
  
I don't know, Frodo said truthfully.   
  
Merry plucked at the quilt on the bed. And it isn't very fair to you, he added. Is that why you were crying, Frodo? Because Reg is going to marry Primrose?  
  
Frodo said sadly. We are not going to kiss anymore like that, because we do not want to hurt Primrose's feelings, should she find out. And I think that after Pippin is well again, I will not come to the Smials for awhile.  
  
Because you don't want to see Reg at all if you can't kiss him? Merry asked astutely, and Frodo nodded. Merry felt hot tears prick at his eyes. But that is too sad, Frodo, he said. It is too sad for you, and for Primrose, and even for Reg, though I think he is wrong to marry Primrose when he is in love with you.  
  
It is sad for Reg, Frodo agreed, and you must remember, Merry, that he wants to be a good son, and do as his parents think best. Perhaps he is wrong, but perhaps you should not judge him when you have not stood where he stands now. This was not an easy decision for him.  
  
Merry unraveled a loose thread on the quilt, not looking at Frodo. What else could he have done? he asked. Could he have come to live with you at Bag End? Did you ask him to do that?  
  
That isn't your business, Merry, Frodo said gently. What we could have done is between Reg and I.  
  
Merry nodded, and traced the lines of the stitching on the quilt with his index finger. Are you going to get married someday, Frodo?  
  
Now Frodo sounded somewhat amused. I think I would be a dreadful husband. And there is no one to tell me I must or should get married, so I will leave well enough alone.  
  
Merry had one last question before he could let things go, and he made himself look Frodo in the eye for it. he said, is Reg your one and only?  
  
Frodo's breath caught in his throat, and he moved to sit beside Merry on the bed and put an arm around the younger lad's shoulders. He might be, at that, Merry, he said, and then he used his handkerchief to wipe away tears Merry had not been aware of shedding.  
  
I am sorry, then, Merry muttered as he took the handkerchief and wiped his face. I am sorry for you both.  
  
Thank you, Merry, Frodo said gently. Do you have any other questions? Merry blew his nose, and nodded. Frodo laughed. I should have guessed, he said. But ask away, for I will keep no more secrets from you.  
  
Merry said firmly. I don't like them. I just wanted to know -- does Cousin Bilbo know? That you fancy lads, I mean.  
  
Bilbo and I have no secrets from each other, Merry, Frodo said, sounding relieved that the question was so benign. But he does not think it is a bad thing, to fancy lads, and he will never ask me to marry if I do not want to.  
  
That is good, Merry said with a relieved sigh. Then something else occurred to him. Does Cousin Bilbo fancy lads, as well?  
  
Frodo chuckled. he said, though I don't think he fancies lasses much either. If you asked him, I wager he would tell you that what he fancies is peace and quiet and freedom.  
  
Merry smiled back at Frodo. That sounds like Cousin Bilbo, all right, he said. Then he worried at his lower lip with his upper teeth.  
  
And what is your next question, Merry? Frodo prodded, and Merry had to look down at the handkerchief still in his hands.  
  
I think maybe I should not ask this one, as it is about something I heard at the Hall, and it was gossip anyway, and it had to do with Cousin Bilbo, he confessed, but Frodo nudged his ribs with an elbow.  
  
Come on, you have asked everything else, he said. I will answer if I can.  
  
Merry hesitated, but it was about your parents, Frodo.  
  
Frodo was quiet, and Merry did not dare look at him. Then the older hobbit rested his chin on Merry's head. I suppose I can guess what you heard, then, for I heard it myself, years ago.  
  
Merry swallowed nervously. This was the fifth secret of the year, the one that had seemed too big for him to ask anyone about. I heard that Cousin Bilbo courted your mother at the same time your father did, but then she married your father, and Bilbo never courted anyone ever again, and he did not speak to your father for a long time, he said in a single breath.  
  
Frodo, his chin still on Merry's head, nodded slightly and made a slight noise. I did hear that, too, he finally said, and before I went to live with Bilbo, I asked him about it. And he said that my mother had been very special to him, but so was my father, and that the only person my mother had ever loved more than my father was me, and he had never wished any of us anything but happiness.  
  
This did not sound to Merry like what he had heard was wrong, exactly, but at the same time, it seemed very different from what he had heard.   
  
Frodo's voice had sunk to a whisper, I do know that he loves me and cares for me, just as if I were his own son. I think he would do anything for me, Merry.  
  
I am glad you have him, Frodo, Merry answered, also in a whisper, and Frodo squeezed Merry gratefully.  
  
I am glad, too, he said in a normal voice. And I am glad I have you. Now, are there still more questions in you? You must never be afraid to ask me something, Merry, and I will always answer, if I can.  
  
Merry nodded, then said, All right, but those are all my questions for now. But, Frodo, I do not think I will fancy lads _or_ lasses. I don't know why any of you tween-agers would rather be off kissing someone than playing roopie or conkers or doing something fun.  
  
Frodo threw back his head and laughed, loud and long. Oh, Merry, he gasped, I will remind you that you said so in another 10 years.  
  
Merry, feeling his dignity had been insulted but not quite certain how, stood to leave with pride. He paused when his hand touched the doorknob, though, and turned back slightly.   
  
I won't tell anyone, Frodo, he said. About you and Reg, I mean. It is your secret, and I will keep it safe.  
  
Frodo had been chuckling still, but now he stopped. I know I can trust you with any secret, Merry, he said, no trace of mirth in his voice. Even the biggest secret would be safe with you.  
  
Merry stood up straighter. He was all of 14 years old, after all, and now worthy of secret-keeping. I suppose this will be the biggest one, he said, unable to imagine a secret greater than this.  
  
Frodo said mildly. But we are going to be friends for many years, Merry. You never know what kinds of secrets may come along.  
  
At suppertime, Pippin would bounce on the bed and upset his tray, and that evening, Briony would scold Merry for playing tiggy-back with Pip, and even later that evening, Merry would wallop Frodo soundly in draughts, and so the end of the conversation would fade from Merry's mind. When he recalled it again, more than 20 years later, it would be with a cold chill up his spine, and a catch in his breath.  
  


THE END  
  


_(NOTES: The sisters Merry refers to are my invention, and not included in the family trees. Ages three and one, they died of scarlet fever before Merry was born. Their history is discussed in my story I Always Know You, in the chapter Bad Sick, which can be found here at fanfiction.net and at my site. I also feel I should acknowledge Louisa May Alcott's Eight Cousins, as the back story of Bilbo, Drogo and Primula that I included in this story has its origins in the back story of Uncle Alec in that novel. To read all of my ramblings about how this story came to be written, and about Frodo's homosexuality, please go to my LiveJournal at www.livejournal.com/users/baylorsr.)_


	2. Choices

_(NOTE: These were written as back-story to One and Only and later posted on my Journal. Rated PG-13 for slash content.)_  
  
Mother, I'm not old enough! Reg protested.   
  
  
His mother continued mending Lottie's frock. You need not marry her until you are of age, she said calmly. It is a good match.   
  
How . . . what if I wish to choose another? Reg stammered, stopping himself from blurting out the other's name.   
  
His mother jabbed at a ruffle fiercely. If you wish another, then name her, she said. But I'll be announcing your betrothal at Yule. Do you understand? Now she looked at him, unwavering.   
  
Reg took a step back. Yes, ma'am. I understand, he answered, but his voice shook.   
  


***   


  
Past suppertime, Frodo answered the front door at Bag End to find Reg shaking on the porch.   
  
Mother says I'm to marry Primrose Bracegirdle, Reg said by way of greeting.   
  
Frodo stared at him in shock. The two tween-agers stood frozen on opposite sides of the door until Bilbo came bustling down the hall.   
  
Reginard, you haven't a cloak, he said briskly. Frodo, go put some tea on. Reg, come in and sit by the fire. He prodded Frodo in the back and pulled Reg in by the arm. Come along, come along, Bilbo encouraged, and both lads obeyed numbly.   
  


***   


  
I can't do it, I can't, Reg said, still weeping. But I can't not do it. It is too wretched, and I don't know what to do.   
  
Frodo tightened his arms about Reg. The bedroom was dark in the early morning hours, and the rest of Bag End was quiet. She must know, he said. It is the only reason for it. I thought we would not have to think on this for years.   
  
I can't give this up, Reg whispered. I can't give _you_ up.   
  
Frodo did not answer, but tucked his head into the curve of Reg's neck.   
  


***   


Frodo was through the plates and on the cups when Bilbo joined him.   
  
You know, Frodo-lad, Bilbo said, this is your home. Should you ever want to ask anyone to stay, you may. All I ask is you let me know.   
  
Thank you, Bilbo. Frodo did not look at him.   
  
I mean, Bilbo laid a hand on Frodo's arm, ask someone to stay . . . for however long.   
  
Frodo could still hear Reg banging about in the pantry. His hands betrayed him, and the saucer in them trembled.   
  
Thank you, Bilbo, he whispered.   
  
Finish the washing up, Bilbo said.   
  


***   


  
If only I can buy us some time, Reg said as Frodo helped him outfit the pony. A year, at least. Then I can figure all of this out. There must be another way. We just need time.   
  
Frodo smiled at him, but a quiver in his lips betrayed him. Write and tell me what news, he said.   
  
Reg laid a hand over Frodo's on the pony's withers and squeezed gently. It will be all right, he reassured, his face hopeful.   
  
Frodo could not speak, but simply nodded, and held his hand up in farewell as the pony trotted away.  
  


***   


  
Did you hear? Lily Hardbottle said to Frodo at market the week after Yule. Your cousin Reginard had his betrothal announced. Primrose Bracegirdle, and a fine match that is. We'll need to get things set for you in a year or two. Have Bilbo come see me, and I promise you a sharp, bonnie lass.   
  
Yes, thank you, Frodo said in an odd, tight voice, and then left without making any of the purchases on Bilbo's list.   
  
I already knew, he told Bilbo that night, huddled in on himself in front of the fire. He never wrote, not a word.   
  


***   


  
I'm here because Pippin is ill, and Merry asked me to come, Frodo said stonily.   
  
Please, Frodo, Reg pleaded. Let me explain -- Mother said she would think over giving me a year, but then Primrose's father just up and announced it at Second-Night Feast. I didn't know, truly.   
  
You never wrote, Frodo said coldly.   
  
Mother was watching my posts, Reg said. I wanted to write, but feared to make things worse. And then I didn't know what to do, with everyone congratulating me and Primrose so happy.   
  
I told Pippin I would read to him, Frodo said, and left.   
  


***  


  
I love my family, Reg said hoarsely.   
  
I love _you_, Frodo said.   
  
And I you, Reg said. But they would never -- I could never speak to them again, or see them. They would keep me from my sisters and Ev -- I'd never see them grow up, or stand Ev his first pint, or be at the lasses' weddings -- It is too much, Frodo. What would you do, were your parents still here, and feeling the same way?   
  
Frodo did not answer but simply buried his face in the front of Reg's shirt, letting it capture his tears.   
  


***  


  
Bilbo let Frodo stay abed for three days, then came in and sat at the edge of the bed.   
  
I was old and foolish when I courted your mother, he said, and Frodo turned his head to listen. Never before had Bilbo said this so plainly.   
  
I didn't think there was anyone for me, Bilbo continued, until I saw her grown up for the first time. Then I knew. But she loved your father with all her heart -- how could I want anything but her happiness? It is wretched, though, loving someone enough to let them go, isn't it.   
  


***   


  
Sam could remember when Mr. Reg had been a common guest at Bag End. He could remember, too, how Frodo's face had lit up around him, and the happiness that had exuded from both lads in those days. So when Reg came to visit Bag End in the spring of 1421, he showed him into Frodo's study, though his master had been feeling ill that week.   
  
He shut the door and sat at the kitchen table for two hours, playing with Elanor while Rosie baked. Frodo was pensive when Reg left two hours later, his face filled with wistful peace.   



End file.
